Head Shoulder Knees and...

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes…” This is a song I have sung to my daughter many times in an effort as both her mother and a pediatrician to teach her the importance of the body that our Lord created for each of us. At 15 months, she is not yet able to sing along, or even understand what it means to be blessed with eyes to see a world that is in need, ears to hear cries out to the Lord, a mouth to speak His truth, or a nose to smell the fear of those living life without Him. However, she can smile and point along, and it makes her laugh to hear her mommy try silly voices or to go as fast as possible. I know one day we’ll be able to sing together, and later to discuss the deeper meaning of our “fearfully and wonderfully made” bodies for His purpose; but presently, I’m content with these brief moments where our immature communication consists of grunts and grins. I know for now she is faking it, but one day we will speak the same language and truly understand one another.

I realize that in so many ways I am like my 15-month-old daughter. In order to elaborate, allow me first to introduce myself. My name is Teresa Williams. I am a 32 year old internal medicine-pediatrics physician (just imagine a pediatrician who is also trained to care for sick adults). I’ve been married for 6 years to the most incredible man you will ever meet, and I (as previously mentioned) have a darling daughter. Most importantly, I am a daughter of the King, and I love Jesus.

I grew up in a Christian home, but never quite grasped what true relationship with the Lord was until my senior year in high school. Since that time, I have felt called to missions, served in campus ministry, met my husband on the way to Kenya, and became a pastor’s wife. All this while completing medical school and residency training. I tell you this not to impress you with my accomplishments, but to help you better understand why at times, I feel like a toddler, faking my way through life until I obtain a level of greater revelation.

Recently, I was listening to a podcast describing something called “imposter syndrome.” The premise is that there are many successful people (in this case physicians) who are unable to internalize their accomplishments, and often live in fear of being exposed as a fraud. On my way to work as a newly hired pediatric hospitalist, responsible for caring for sick children and newborns, attending high risk deliveries, and educating young physicians and medical students, this concept resonated heavily with me. “What if I don’t know what to do, or teach something that is incorrect, or make a mistake?”

Later in the week, I was listening to an audiobook by Francis and Lisa Chan (my 45 minute drive to work affords many listening opportunities). In it, Lisa expressed that at times she felt like she wasn’t a good enough Christian to be married to such a strong man of faith. Again, this struck home.  As a former pastor’s wife and future missionary, I should be leading Bible studies, mentoring young Christian women, and walking in step with the Lord daily…yet there are days where I don’t talk with Him at all and it has been years since I truly studied His word.

It pains me to admit these things to myself, much less to see them realized on a page, but I feel that admitting my shortcomings and my fears of “being a fake” is the first step toward growth and maturity. I’m sure if we all were honest, there are times where we have all “faked it till we made it.” Even as a mother, I fear that one day my daughter will find out about the massive blow-out we had in Target (large brown stain and all) because as a new mother I forgot to bring diapers or wipes on the town, or about how when it came to feeding her solids, even though as a pediatrician I had already counseled numerous parents about this very topic, I felt utterly lost. “How much do I give her, how often…what if she won’t eat?!”

However, this fear of being found out doesn’t have to paralyze us. As a doctor, fear of not knowing the answers drives me to continual learning. As a mother it humbles me and helps me to laugh at myself. And as a Christian, it should drive me to realize that just as my salvation was based on nothing that I have done, so my perfecting in the faith can only be completed by His Spirit. Just as my daughter grows by eating the food I spoon-feed her, learns by watching my example, and feels comforted in my embrace, regardless of her actions, so we are as Christians in the Father’s eyes. Even though my daughter can’t sing along with me to “Head, shoulders, knees and toes,” I still think she is the smartest and most enchanting child around. It has nothing to do with her performance, but everything to do with the fact that she is mine. If we are within the family of God, your name alone is what makes you good enough. “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” [Eph 2:10-NLT] As we rest in this assurance, may it allow us to grow and mature by His strength, rather than our own. “And I am sure of this, the He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” [Phil 1:6-ESV] Let us stop feeling like frauds and find peace in knowing we are formed artfully by the Creator who walks with us, sings over us, and even tries to make us laugh.